amBITCHous or Not?

Ambition Reality Checks —Samples from the Book—
Try These Now and See How You Really Feel About Your Ambition

"I'd like you to dig deeper into your thoughts about ambition and do a reality check. Encouraging reality checks is something women are great at—if we're asking a close girlfriend to do it. We do it for other women in our lives all of the time, whether it be about work or relationships or children. Think about it—a woman in your life who trusts you asks:

Am I crazy for wanting to get my M.B.A. before my husband has finished medical school?

Am I imagining it, or are the nurses less responsive to my orders because I'm the only female surgeon in our department?

Am I really a bad person because there's only one other mother in my daughter's kindergarten class who works full-time?

Did I overstep my bounds by asking for a raise, or did I do the right thing?

And I am certain that you are excellent at reassuring her, very effective at debunking her self-punishing ideas, and great at giving her some inspiring words about how to view her situation with fresh eyes. It's just that we're not so good about doing the same thing for ourselves; we're typically reluctant to support ourselves to do a fair-minded, but gentle, reality check. Of course not! Because no one is harder on a woman than she, herself, is. And I'm betting no one is harder on you than you, yourself, are. That's okay. That's what I'm here for—to support you to be less hard on yourself as you do some serious soul-searching about what it means, to you, to be ambitchous.

Reality Check: Why Can't I See My Ambition as A Virtue?
Ambition Journal Exercise

• Does calling myself ambitious make me feel kind of dirty, selfish or greedy?
• Do I feel foolish, like an interloper in the business world?
• Does it make me feel just a little bit less feminine?
• Does a twinge of guilt come up?
• Do I feel ashamed?
• Do I feel arrogant, entitled, and conceited? That I might as well be saying I'm better than everyone else?
• Am I afraid people won't like me as much, or won't respect me in the same way?
• Do I fear that I'll repel the kind of mate I want to attract? That I won't be a good-enough wife or mom?

If you really think about it, does calling yourself ambitious make you feel pretty much everything a woman is not supposed to feel about herself?

Think about what just came up for you as you worked through the questions above. Now let's go deeper to see if any of this is based in reality. As you ask yourself the following questions, try to be as objective as you would be in a frank, supportive discussion with a close female friend.

• Does being ambitious actually make me a selfish, conceited person?
  

  Probably not__ (Why not?)
  Probably__ (Why do I think so?)
  I'm not sure ___ (What keeps me from answering definitively?)

• If I am ambitious am I greedy? Dirty? Are my morals and values askew?
  

    Doubtful ____ (Why not?)
    Probably____ (How so? What makes me feel that way?)
    I'm not sure ___ (What clouds my thinking on this issue?)

• Does acknowledging and tending to that ambitious fire in the belly reallytake away from my relationships?
   

  Unlikely ___ (Because….?)
    Yes, probably. ___ (How so? In what specific ways?)
    I'm not sure ___ (Why am I uncertain about answering this?)

• If I admit to being ambitious do I fear that I am going to be punished?
  

    No, I don't. ___ (Because…?)
    Yes, it's likely to bite me in the butt. ___ (What are my worst fears?)
    I'm not sure ___ (What prevents me from saying yes or no?)

Success versus ambition: one word makes all the difference in our comfort level.

Reality Check: Is Sacrificing My Needs at the Expense of My Ambition Honorable? Ambition Journal Exercise

• How do I give to others at the expense of my own needs and ambition dreams? How does this leave me feeling? Fulfilled and energized? Or am I exhausted?
• Has it been more than a month since I've had time for myself? Am I sometimes so frustrated that I cry alone?
• Do I find that some days I just don't want to get out of bed because I'm uninspired?
• Do I still think it's the right thing to do?
    Let 's think about what it could cost you to give up or compromise your ambition:
  • Are you earning far less than your peers because you passed up opportunities that initially required long hours and you felt pressure to wait until your kids were more self-sufficient? Are you bored with the job you've settled for, stuck because you need the paycheck and haven't built a competitive track record to land more rewarding work? Has your dream of earning an advanced degree been on hold so long that it now seems pointless or impossible?
  • How could it affect your financial security? Even if you're in a great relationship, life holds no guarantees and anything could happen. What if you were left to support yourself and your kids? Would you lose your home because your income wouldn't cover the mortgage payments? Would you be sweating each month to pay bills? Would you ever be able to retire? Would you be able to support yourself as you moved into your senior years and health problems hit?
  • Recall a time you knowingly ignored your ambition. What did that feel like? List five emotions.
  • Will you feel inferior, disappointed in yourself around friends and family who've succeeded? Will you see yourself as a weak role model for your kids as they're ready to launch their own education and careers?
  • How could it affect your confidence in meeting and engaging with new people? If someone says to you in conversation, "You turned that amazing job down? Why?!", how might your self-image be compromised?

Now reconsider all of those things that you do for others, all the time, day in and day out, at the expense of your ambitchous dreams, because you think putting yourself last makes you a good woman. And ask yourself again—and be truthful: does this really make you a virtuous person? Are you still confident that this value-system, this - set-up you've bought into under social duress, makes you the best person you could possibly be?

Maybe, just maybe, in order to do the things you think you must do to be your best self, you are, paradoxically, sacrificing a core part of who you are, an essential part of your being—your ambitchous, big-dreaming self. And in doing so, you may actually be short-changing yourself—in a big way. You may be sabotaging your efforts to be your best self.

Reality Check: What Can I Only Get From Career Ambition? (Ambition Journal Exercise)

Think back to a time when you were engrossed in a compelling, fascinating work project—a time when you felt yourself craving passion, drive, or a certain craziness, where you fell asleep thinking about your inspiring goals and then you woke up the next morning and couldn't wait to get back to your work. How did it feel? Be as specific as possible. Take your time and recall and savor the details. What were the circumstances that made you feel so fired up? How did you feel during the process? Try to specifically recall the kaleidoscope of thoughts and feelings—the fears, excitement, self-doubt and redemption you experienced. How did you feel hitting obstacles and failures and having to come up with Plan B, or Plan C or Plan Z until you got it right? How did you feel in that moment during which you realized you'd finally, miraculously achieved your goal? What recognition, compliments, bonuses and raises came with your win to make it an even sweeter victory? How did you feel being singled out as someone who had done a great job and had been ambitious enough to make something difficult happen? What did people say to you? How did you respond? How did you feel being the center of attention because you'd achieved an ambitious goal? Did you allow yourself even a moment to feel inspired by your own accomplishment? Something along the lines of Hey! I really did this! I made the thing happen! It was me! Wow. Who would've thunk it?! In what ways did this accomplishment make you want to set the bar higher for yourself? Did you follow through?

Reality Check: Am I Making ‘Em Pay—or Giving It Away?
>(Ambition Journal Exercise)

• Do you charge less than you know you're worth?
• Are you being paid a salary or total compensation package that you know is below industry standards, but you consider yourself lucky to have this position anyway, so you say or do nothing to correct the situation?
• If you're self-employed, do you raise fees with current and new clients at least once a year?
• If you work for someone, do you ask for yearly salary reviews? Or if yearly salary reviews are standard, do you ask for a six-month performance review?
• Would you have the guts to ask for a review at three months if you'd just delivered dazzling results that were directly responsible for boosting your company's (or division's) earnings unexpectedly for that quarter?
• If your boss holds out a carrot promising a promotion, do you check in regularly to ask "How am I doing?" reminding him or her that you're gunning for it?
• If you received a raise or bonus that was far below what you knew you'd earned, would you challenge it by taking it up with your boss, or even going over your boss's head?
• Do you pass on referrals to colleagues rather than saying, "Hire me; I'm the best at what I do"?
• If you are a consultant, do you charge your fees up front?
• Do you take advantage of opportunities to position yourself as an expert who can command higher fees? Do you jump on chances to be recognized at industry meetings, in the media, or among potential clients?
• If you're attending a conference or a team meeting, and you have something you'd love to say or a question you'd like to ask, do you stand and speak up? Or do you keep your mouth shut because you prefer to fly beneath the radar when you're around colleagues?
• Do you write and publish articles, books, tips sheets, briefs, and so on, so that your expertise gets circulated among potential clients, colleagues, and industry leaders?

If your answers made you wonder whether you are comfortable being more equal than others and if your answers made you wonder if you're earning your worth, you're in good company. —From amBITCHous